At once amused and dismayed

She sat so nicely in the shopping cart
Singing and reaching for produce
Naming whatever objects she could and
Parroting back the final word of sentences she heard
"Man?" "Store?" "Mama?"
And then the whining began

"What do you want, Big Girl?"
"eieio?"
"Daddy? Please? eieio?"
And so I sang to her
There in the store
"And on that farm he had a..."
And I swear the word that came out of her mouth sounded like "republican."
I almost asked her what a Republican says.
But I was pretty sure she wouldn't know
And unfortunately I already did know.

With the singing cut short by laughter and her patience wearing thin,
Shea asked for "Down"
She wanted to walk.
She wanted to run.
And she did.
Down the aisle
Looking back once over her shoulder as she turned the corner
As if she was going to stop
Perhaps come back
But turning a corner
Quickly out of sight
And giggling with gleeful excitement
while I panic slightly
And chase her down.

Republican.
Girl, you're funny.

Pull up your pants

Pull.
Up.
Your.
Pants!

Pull them UP.
Up.
Good, now do that again, only keep them there this time.
To your waist,
No, your waist.
Your *other* waist,
No, not THAT high.
We don't want to see your...
Do you even know where your waist is?
Simple anatomy, child - do you see those protruding hip bones?
The waist is the area above them
Between those bones and your ribs
No, I'm not joking:
Go ahead and Google it!
Right after you pull up your...
Do you even own a belt?
At home?
Several, you say?
You know, they only work if you wear them.

Do not tell me to "chillax"
It's not a word.
And if it was I would be prevented from doing so
By the sight of your protruding underpants.
Yes, I recognize you're not naked.
But it's called UNDERwear for a reason.
Pull them UP.
There, now hold them.
Would you like a safety pin?
Yes, I'm serious.
Don't I look like I'm serious?
Just do it. You will thank me some day.
When I was your age, I grew a mullet.
I know what it is to regret.

Put.
Away.
Your cell phone.
Away.
As in "Away."
Not on the corner of the desk. Away.
And don't even give me that line about waiting for a text from "your mother"
You're in the middle of class,
A detail of which she is well aware,
And the great thing about text messages is
They are actually saved, right on your phone!
And they'll still be there for you to look at when the bell rings.
Sure, you can go to the bathroom - right now, even.
You've already wasted class time. What's a few minutes more?
Just leave the phone here.
Yes I'm serious.
It will be safe. I'll hold onto it for you
And you can go.
Right after you
pull.
up.
your.
pants.

Reflection

When it comes to mirrors,
I would rather be a vampire
Than the guy with ear hair staring back at me.
I swore I would never be that guy.
I never said anything about being a vampire.

Extraction (unfinished)

"There's supposed to be a tooth there"
I remember thinking.
I poked at the newly discovered hole with my tongue.
A little rough on the edges, but otherwise smooth.
Until recently it was covered by a layer of gum.
I never knew it existed - the tooth, much less the cavity.
When did that form?
I kept getting seeds stuck back there
Every time I ate blackberries.
How is it that I never noticed this chasm?

The dentist asked when I'd last had a checkup,
And therein lies the problem.
I don't remember.
I am a procrastinator of the worst sort.
I don't floss no matter how many times they tell me,
And when those 6 month reminders come in the mail
I put it at the bottom of the pile of other things I ought to do something about but never will.
They say when you dream of losing teeth it's a sign of insecurity.
I want you to know that when you dream about having an excruciating toothache radiating down your jaw,
Insecurity is the least of you worries.
When you wake up, it's still there.
...

From NH with Love

I want you to come back
If only to tell me lies again.
It's always been love/hate with you.
I'm not the only guy to have said so.
I know you.
Close my eyes and see your sunshine smile, your awkward gait.
Hear the drizzle of banter about the second graders you visited yesterday,
Predict the moment you'll rock onto tiptoes
Voice crackling like sheet lightning
And say something to make milk come out my nose.

For as long as I can remember,
It's been hit and miss,
Hot, and cold with you.
No, I didn’t mean it like that.
The highs always bring that knowing smile,
But it was the lowest lows that made me hopeful
The way blizzards quietly promise a snow day.
Your voice, Scratchy, familiar, and welcome.
The first I heard in the morning,
Gave me a reason to open my eyes each day.
And peer through the summer haze.

I still really can't trust you. No one ever could
You're like the others, only with better delivery.
The reason I love / hate you.
I stopped counting the days
You woke me up with a downpour of lies.
Not every day, sometimes just a sprinkling,
We both know you tried.

When you were wrong, and I believed you –
It really was more your fault.
I always thought I would be the one to leave.
But it’s you.
You saw red skies in the morning,
A barometer showing the front that had come and gone without you overnight.
Were you tired of the same old schtick, or was it getting too comfortable?

I've insulted you.
It’s no more personal than the changing of seasons,
Which we still take personally.
You hardly know I exist, and soon I won’t know you either.
I’ve insulted you;
I’ve defended your honor, but I’m done defending you.
I won’t need to anymore.
The sun rose today on a generation that will grow up in your absence.
After so long, you're moving on, without me.
Wanted, but no longer needed
If it’s any consolation you won’t be replaced.
Not by any smooth talker, chesty blonde, or scrolling ticker on the bottom of my TV screen.
Just gone.
Like memories of the Old Man, another icon that will fade.
I want you to come back, weather man
If only to tell me lies again.
And forecast HIGH pressure, on channel 50,
Just one more time, Al Kaprelian.