63/365 A lesson in Peanut Butter
When I reveal to my
Fifth-grade students
That I am, in fact,
Not an earthling
I get little response of note.
When I tell them I am
From the planet Neptune
they do not appear to question
My place of origin.
I have taught them that skepticism
Is the hallmark of good scientists.
So far, not one of them
Has demonstrated any such
Scientific inclination whatsoever.
When I explain that I have been sent
By Supreme leader
on a mission of utmost importance,
They appear only vaguely interested.
I explain further that the mission
Is to discover the recipe
For the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
That on the planet Neptune
No peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Has ever been made, seen,
Or delectably consumed.
It is at this point that
The smartest kid in the class
says, "Wait..."
"Neptune's a moon,
not a planet, right?"
It is at this point
That my hope for the human race
Fades by approximately 37.5 billion candlepower.
They do not question the notion
That their teacher
Could be an extraterrestrial
Or the details I've added
About Neptunians only getting
Satellite TV from the 1980s
On our planet.
The notion that anyone would covet
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
Much less send an interplanetary agent
On a mission to attain the recipe
From a class of fifth-graders
To bring it back to an uninhabited planet
Made of gas, no.
No, no, no, they simply questioned
The only actual shred of scientific fact
Mentioned in my entire ridiculous premise
Saying nothing about the obvious lies.
I have asked them
For a set of clear instructions
A procedure for creating a masterpiece
Of Skippy, Smuckers, andWonder bread.
Promised that Supreme Leader
Will reward me handsomely
for returning with the best one.
That I can not do this without them.
This makes them try so very hard,
But they are fifth graders.
Their instructions will be terrible.
On Monday I will don a rubberized apron,
Lab coat, goggles, and purple rubber gloves.
I may or may not also wear a headband
With silver antennae.
I will read aloud the three worst sets
Of PB&J assembly instructions
And follow them to the letter.
When their procedure reads,
"Stick the knife in the peanut butter"
but does not say to remove the lid,
I will jam that thing right through the lid of the jar.
When it says, "Spread the jelly all over the bread"
but does not mention how much bread,
Or how much jelly,
Or that a knife should be used to do so
I will empty the bottle into my open palm
And cover the loaf with the entire jar
Smearing it liberally with my gloved hands.
The children will laugh, see the error,
And never forget it.
I will teach these children
To write a formal lab procedure
Like a real scientist
If it kills me.
And when that same kid says,
"No, seriously, Mr. Clauss,
You're from the moon Neptune, right?"
Fully expecting me to give him a factual answer
It probably will kill me.
And when I am dead
My students will still believe
That I was not of this world.
They will pity me for having failed my mission,
Perhaps fear that Supreme Leader
Will one day show up at their doorstep
To seek retribution for my untimely demise
And that may happen.
But at least, when it does,
They will be able to present him
With a coherent lab procedure
For constructing a simple sandwich.
posted by Christopher at 9:17 PM
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