22/30 ACME to Wile E Coyote, the sestina version

Dear Mr. Coyote, please accept our sincere

condolences. We were sorry to hear that product

#257663 Deluxe Rocket Skates, which you purchased from ACME,

was in use during an incident causing you bodily harm,

resulting in several broken bones and your fur being consumed

by flames. Your feedback on our product we greatly appreciate.

Although we appreciate

your pain, it is with sincere

regret we inform you that when your receipt was consumed

in the resulting fireball your product

warranty was rendered void. Any harm

that came to you can not be attributed to ACME.

Mr. Coyote, here at ACME

customer service is job #1. We appreciate

your business and wish for no further harm

to befall you. If you are sincere

in your threat to sue for product

liability, there may be a series of countersuits in which you will be consumed.

But if you are not, please know we are consumed

with desire to keep you as a loyal ACME

customer and advise you again to consult each product

manual's warning list prior to use in order to appreciate

the range of potential danger. Please make a sincere

effort to do so to avoid future bodily harm.

And while there is no real harm

in attempting the unique styles of bird hunting that have consumed

your life all these years, we wonder how sincere

your expectation of success could have been when you used ACME

model #257333 Deluxe Rocket Skates as projectiles, or if you appreciate

your own culpability in the mishap that occurred while using our product.

Since your injuries were a product

of your own misuse of flammable rocket fuel, there is no harm

in offering a conciliatory gift, which we hope you will appreciate.

A 20% discount on size XL steel bear traps,model # 974286, which consumed

the majority of last year's orders you placed with ACME.

Again, please read all manuals. Our concern is sincere.

We appreciate the brand loyalty with which you are consumed.

We are sincere in wishing you no further harm.

Mr. Rod R. Unner, Senior VP for Product Liability Evasion, ACME