15/30 Reflections of Umar

I said I would do it for Allah

I would do it for Jihad

Would do it for revenge

To teach the infidels a lesson

To receive the glory of martyrdom

In truth

I just did it for the virgins.

I tried, in my youth, to be pure

To avoid the temptations of the eyes

The sins of the flesh

And, for the most part

I succeeded in this, and yet

Success comes at a cost

Frustration

Loneliness

They promised me virgins

They promised wives and pleasure

Eternal happiness

Great honor

For me and for my family

I was certain the next sight I would see

Was paradise

I have failed

The boy in the seat next to me

Seemed kind, about my age

I greeted him kindly

Thanked him when he got up

To let me use the restroom

To prepare the mixture that would kill him

The dense powder sewn into my underpants

By a long-bearded man half a world away

This boy was kind, for an infidel

Even in the aftermath

While others cursed and manhandled me

His eyes were sad and forgiving

My ears popped

As the flight began its descent

I hid beneath a blanket

Secrecy, but also shame

Whispered "Insha Allah"

Reached my hand into my pants

Pushed the plunger on the syringe of acid

Tomorrow, I would be a headline

Two hundred eighty-nine victims

Seventy-two virgins

One martyr

It burned

Then popped and burned more

I was ready for paradise

Bid farewell to my mortal flesh

But the pain brought me back into it

The stench of smoke

The cries of passengers

A man shouting in Dutch wrestled me to the floor

It burned with a pain I have never felt

It seared my most tender skin

For what seemed like hours

There are things worse than death

There was pain in humiliation

And humiliation in the pain

Imprisoned now, and horribly scarred

A painful, daily reminder

I will see no women in this place

Virgins, or otherwise

If nothing else, that is a blessing

But no consolation

I am a failure

A dishonor to those who sent me

I will die here forgotten

I keep my eyes closed when I bathe

Use the toilet

Change my clothing

I can not bear the sight

The reminder of my past

And future

The reality I once denied

That I did not do this for Allah

No

I did this for the virgins

I did this to myself