14/30 Confession of a Beowulf

I, Beowulf,

Do solemnly swear

To tell the truth, the whole truth

For once in my life

Here it is:

I paid Grendel to take a dive.

There, I said it.

Yes, I did kill him,

But you can't really call that a win.

The whole sneaking into our camp,

And the whole grabbing his arm thing...

That was planned.

And I feel really badly that he killed and ate one of my men in the process

I should have seen that coming

And it did make the whole thing look plausible in the end, didn't it?

The plan was to get him in an arm hold

Shackle him with chains we had conveniently laying around

Leave him stranded in the wilderness

Of course, we told his mother where he'd be

She would have rescued him soon as she finished counting all that gold

They were set to retire on the Riviera with that cash

Quit the pillaging business altogether

Let me be a hero for a while

It had taken a little convincing

But they'd had a good run

And the price was right

Just make it convincing, I told him, or all bets are off.

He played the part perfectly.

I just didn't know his arm was going to tear off like that.

Maybe it was the adrenaline

But I didn't think I was pulling that hard

I thought for a moment the joke was on me,

But it definitely wasn't a fake arm.

I tried to apologize, but he ran off into the marsh too quickly.

Killing his mother was just to save face.

I mean, I'd just killed her son by accident

And felt bad about that

But I couldn't let word get back to the king, now could I?

And she still had my money

Which I would need, if I was to be king of my own people.

Thought I had the whole mess swept under the rug,

But then the dragon showed up

Like I needed one more thing to deal with.

Why a slave would go and steal the cup from a dragon is beyond me.

If you need a cup that badly

There have got to be easier places to get yourself a drinking vessel.

My men agreed.

They were all so sure I could take the dragon

Let me march right in there on my own

Only thing is,

Dragons don't take bribes so easily.

That thing singed my marshmallows something fierce.

Don't believe the lore.

When we went back in,

It was Wiglaf who killed the thing.

I was hiding in the back of the cave when that stalagmite knocked loose

Who'd have thought

Death by stalagmite impalement

Wiglaf's a good guy, though.

Whispered in my ear at the lights went out

He'd let me take the credit for it.

"Stalagmite wound," he said,

"Looks like a dragon bite to me."

Atta boy, Wiglaf.

I taught you well.

"No, Sir, you didn't."
"The story just reads better this way."

"They'll still be reading it hundreds of years from now," he told me.

"Every high school kid will need a copy."

"And I'll be there, collecting the royalty checks."