5/365 Vote Geezer

Even the best in the race now
half like but half loathe
and there seems little point in casting a vote
for which side of the gridlock
gets the to hold the red pen for four years
while nothing continues to happen.

When we first voted for Hope
We got Whitewater and Lewinski
When we voted for Gore we got Bush
and Mission Accomplished
became seven more years of missions
never accomplished
So we voted for Change
And he got Bin Laden
But "Yes we can"
got stuck in traffic
somewhere on Capitol Hill

Now this two-party slapfight
Turned foot-shooting contest
Has dug in so deep
it makes us nostalgic for third party crackpots
with vision and character and maybe a screw loose
but no political ties.

We need a cranky old President,
Some grumpy old cuss that nobody loves
but isn't half nuts
One who's richer than dirt
but owes not a penny to a living soul.
and keeps it all under his mattress
Cause he doesn't trust the banks

We need a Geritol spinster
With bunyons and corns
A sourpuss Korean War vet
with a limp no one scorns
and a comb-over,
face not even mothers could love
Because at this point
if anyone's going to unite this country
over anything
it will never be someone deemed "electable."

I don't mean Dick Cheney, Ron Paul, or Perot.
But the grumpiest octogenarian you know
With a bag full of gold and a permanent scowl
Your professor, your neighbor, your great great grandma
Who tells you you're fat and have a stupid tattoo
but still hopes the best for you
and knows you'll figure it out, eventually.

They may hate to spend money
as much as the next
but would never pinch pennies
at the expense of feeding our children
putting books in the schools
and caring for veterans and widows too.

A real "Get off o' my lawn!" type
with opinions and sass
who'll self-fund their campaign
and has no use for PACs
lobbyists or politicians
but will actually do
for once
those things everyone else wishes would happen


Like..
making the mail come on Sundays
outlawing parking meters on streets our taxes already paid for
making cops drive the speed limit
and legalizing Cuban cigars again.
 The embargo's not working
 and even people like me who don't smoke cigars
 would want a Cuban if they did.
They'd take that weird pyramid eyeball off the $1 bill
And stop wasting money still minting new pennies
when at home we've all got jars filled.

They'd say, "Back in my day, kids ate their vegetables,
because they had to.
Not because pizza was a vegetable.
A child who didn't study got left behind
We let college kids drink without making it a crime
Fought wars we could actually win against enemies that were actually threats
And we never let corporations call themselves people!"

And then,
they'd just fix it all.

Then they'd automate taxes
what a stress relief!
and we could finally go back to spending every April 14th
at the movies, the beach or the ski slope, and
not the kitchen table, buried in  paystubs and receipts.

They'd keep Congressmen honest
Call Senators' bluffs
end the secret holds
and back alley stuff
and when they threatened to filibuster
actually make them stand there on C-Span
for 48 hours
War and Peace in their hand
in their astronaut diaper
and do what they got paid for.

No ornery scrooge with half a brain
would ever consent to a Saturday debate
that no one would watch
while Lions and Saints
are battling it out in a playoff game one channel away
'cause they'd know which show
gets clicked off.

But when given the chance to go toe to toe
Would expose their flawed platforms
Let everyone know that
Flat taxes are pipe dreams
That the environment will not be helped by
Cutting the EPA
or letting businesses "regulate themselves";
That "clean coal" is an oxymoron
And once and for all, that
Global warming exists!
No longer up for debate
Unless you seriously don't believe
The best scientific minds of every country in the United Nations
Who are all actually to agree on something, for once.


My ancient old codger will
Have nothing to hide
And we'll never once doubt them
Because, why would they lie?
They've no friends to impress
No favors they owe
And four years to fix
a system so broke it's not funny.
Which is good
Because a President like that
Wouldn't laugh anyway.


Find me that fractious old fossil
some arthritic crank
that every voter agrees
is the last person on earth
with whom they'd share a beer,
That's who you vote for.

Who else could we find
to take the red states and blue states
as disparate as they are
the folk from the cities
the folk from the towns
and smudge them together
a liver-spot brown
or the mottled purple of varicose veins?
Only a cantankerous curmudgeon,
with a cough syrup aftertaste
everyone loves to complain about
but still swallows
because they know
it's actually
good for them.