NPS2011 Haiku

Don't pee on my leg

And tell me it's raining.

Unless jellyfish sting

From far and wide

These misfits come

To bout, compete, win.

(World of Warcraft)

*with back to audience*

I get stage fright

When they crowd in

And I'm at the only

Urinal

I'll play Pac Man

Til the day I die

Wee wee wee wee wee wee

Wonk-wik

She Screams,

Calls my name in bed,

"Christopher! You kicked me!"

Not me. Ninjas.

My Fox News Sister

Spanked her child

In front of mine

She cried his tears

Took my little girl

on a date.

Her manicure

still wet,

Picked her nose.

Chickens cross the road

because their brains are tiny!

So stop asking why.

Car vibrates with bass

No need to hear the melody

To know it sucks.

Each sliver of sunset

Reminds me of the terse way

You just... left me.

The in-flight movie

Marley and me

I sobbed

She thought it endearing.

The next big trend in youth fashion:

Just one more way to put clothes on wrong.

You're right.

People should never text while driving.

Except you.

You're special.

Underwear bomber

Claimed not to know

Why his crotch burned.

Liar, Liar...

My big girl earns a penny

when she pees on the potty.

One cent smiles.

The party invitation said, "casual dress."

I had to buy one.

Melty gummy bears

still sell at MIT

when called, "gummy Voltron"

Cheese moldy after purchase? Nasty.

Before purchase: gorgonzola.

I scribe faint toothpick love notes on bananas. They'll brown in her lunchbox.

Reunion: My high school crush

swaps gory childbirth details

with my wife.

I need tools.

I'm not handy.

I just like how

they make me

think I am.

College mistakes:

Mullet, vest wardrobe, voting for Perot.

I'm better now.

Dear chain smoker

in Schlitz tee shirt and yoga pants:

You don't do yoga.

Finally!

I dug a hole to China!

The secret?

Start in China.

I will fight you

With nunchucks

Made of rubber chickens

Clown ninja duel

Grammy Ida,

you need not whisper

when you say, "cancer"

or, "black people"

Nobody can say, "I like you"

the way Mike McGee says, "I like you."

Poets to change a lightbulb?

None.

Their words are enlightening enough.

The sound of baby's morning coo

Melts my heart

just... after three AM

Dropped my tax return through that mail slot

4:50, April.... 16th? Oops.

Good friends are like cheddar

More nuanced and sharp with age

Also, more pungent.

You know what they say: "Teach a man to fish. Don't show him your fishing hole."

Can you count syllables in a sign language haiku it there's no voice.

My homeless students' files

Labeled, "in transition"to be less hurtful.

Touring Poets have great fun

But make no money.

Please buy my chapbook.

Doctor says, "you've got cancer"

"And alzheimers"

Wow. Least it's not cancer.

I have issues

With old folks

Driving

Slowly

Through storefronts

Naked

Men with prosthetic legs

Who live in glass houses

Shouldn't throw legs, man.

Chore list while she's gone:

Can't find Swiffer pads.

Only Kotex wings.

Floor"s clean