23/365,4/30 Fighting With Friends

You remember when I got this scar
I remember you without the limp
We do not discuss war wounds
not in public
seldom in private
You hold my story close to the vest
These are not novelties to be admired
but part of the fabric
the foundation of mutual understanding
reminders of people we are no longer
and things on which
we try our best not to dwell

There are days I could have killed you
had you not first sent me sprawling
We tore at fresh wounds
honing our sharpness at the other's expense
as though it would benefit either of us
Patience was a long time in the coming
forgiveness, an after-the-fact revelation
and the learning curve, so steep
We'd never have been laid bare
without conflict
We'd have never bandaged each other's wounds

We wear a different kind of uniform than we once did
change the vocabulary
and have the same conversations as always
It is harder this time
Now I let my tears run and soothe
While you,
you bite your lip
breathe in slow through the nose
control everything but the quiver in that one eyelid
and I let you
because you need it to be that way

We did not emerge on equal footing
The road home, for you,
never took you where you thought it should
It was never all downhill from anywhere
but you are not alone on this front

There are more ways to do battle
than old injuries remember
Victory runs deeper
than the outcome of a simple offensive
There is no winning this time
Only defense and endurance
We will all lose something
Let me show you what to hold on to
protect what matters most
I'm the only one who knows
better than they ever could
how thin the armor is in places
how slowly the scars have healed
Let me hold the shield now
Let yourself rest and breathe deeply
Let us do what we've always done
and speak no more about it
Let it go without saying
You would do the same
You would do the same for me