On Squirrels and their Deathwishes
On Squirrels and their Deathwishes
Much ado has been made about the foolhardy lemmings,
Rumored to hurl themselves to their death from the cliff top in droves.
They say this is a myth,
And who’s to argue?
Meanwhile, it is their cousins the squirrels for whom suicidality is most easily documented.
In Tulsa, a squirrel was reported to have taught itself to not only use crosswalks but to wait for the walk signal to change.
I’ve seen squirrels cross the road in traffic, and frankly
I smell a rat.
Studies show Squirrels learn to steal more effectively by observing others and can spot the best thieves among their fellows.
They have even been observed pretending to bury imaginary nuts as a ruse to deter potential bandits, demonstrating extraordinary intelligence for a rodent.
So why can’t they just cross the street in a straight line?
This business of leaping from tree to tree when they lack opposable thumbs has me worried.
Where are their parents in the midst of these risky behaviors?
Such species-wide disregard for their own wellbeing does not bode well for their evolutionary longevity.
I think they just like to mess with us,
Perched by the road side ‘til they can almost smell your pine tree air freshener,
Then they LEAP,
Zig-zagging back and forth
So you don’t even know which way to swerve.
And you know, don’t you, what that chittering noise they make is all about…
They can’t stop laughing at what we call “squirrel-proof” bird feeders,
Outwitting our meager contraptions like a 12-year-old with a child-proof medicine cap.
Squirrels mask their scent from predators by rubbing their fur with shed snakeskin,
Their group behaviors have been used as a model for designing resource allocation efficiency of computing systems,
In 2007 fourteen of the creatures were arrested in Iran, accused of being western spies.
Spying for our country, but unable to cross the street without becoming tail amputees.
Granted, the squirrel spies didn’t assemble the GPS devices and surveillance gear tucked away in their little backpacks.
Given their intelligence, on paper, it’s brilliant.
But the CIA spook whose clever idea it was
Has clearly never driven down a country road in New Hampshire
Or seen the irony in a bushy-tailed roadkill smear.
Of course, they were caught immediately,
Unable to remain inconspicuous long enough to avoid detection by border guards.
After all, they were squirrels wearing backpacks.
Not something you see everyday.
They waited, motionless, at roadside for a convoy to come closer, and closer, then leapt.
There were originally fifteen.
Halfway across the road, one stopped at the sight of a nearby minaret
With a top like a giant acorn.
Wondering, for only a moment, where squirrels go when they die.
Much ado has been made about the foolhardy lemmings,
Rumored to hurl themselves to their death from the cliff top in droves.
They say this is a myth,
And who’s to argue?
Meanwhile, it is their cousins the squirrels for whom suicidality is most easily documented.
In Tulsa, a squirrel was reported to have taught itself to not only use crosswalks but to wait for the walk signal to change.
I’ve seen squirrels cross the road in traffic, and frankly
I smell a rat.
Studies show Squirrels learn to steal more effectively by observing others and can spot the best thieves among their fellows.
They have even been observed pretending to bury imaginary nuts as a ruse to deter potential bandits, demonstrating extraordinary intelligence for a rodent.
So why can’t they just cross the street in a straight line?
This business of leaping from tree to tree when they lack opposable thumbs has me worried.
Where are their parents in the midst of these risky behaviors?
Such species-wide disregard for their own wellbeing does not bode well for their evolutionary longevity.
I think they just like to mess with us,
Perched by the road side ‘til they can almost smell your pine tree air freshener,
Then they LEAP,
Zig-zagging back and forth
So you don’t even know which way to swerve.
And you know, don’t you, what that chittering noise they make is all about…
They can’t stop laughing at what we call “squirrel-proof” bird feeders,
Outwitting our meager contraptions like a 12-year-old with a child-proof medicine cap.
Squirrels mask their scent from predators by rubbing their fur with shed snakeskin,
Their group behaviors have been used as a model for designing resource allocation efficiency of computing systems,
In 2007 fourteen of the creatures were arrested in Iran, accused of being western spies.
Spying for our country, but unable to cross the street without becoming tail amputees.
Granted, the squirrel spies didn’t assemble the GPS devices and surveillance gear tucked away in their little backpacks.
Given their intelligence, on paper, it’s brilliant.
But the CIA spook whose clever idea it was
Has clearly never driven down a country road in New Hampshire
Or seen the irony in a bushy-tailed roadkill smear.
Of course, they were caught immediately,
Unable to remain inconspicuous long enough to avoid detection by border guards.
After all, they were squirrels wearing backpacks.
Not something you see everyday.
They waited, motionless, at roadside for a convoy to come closer, and closer, then leapt.
There were originally fifteen.
Halfway across the road, one stopped at the sight of a nearby minaret
With a top like a giant acorn.
Wondering, for only a moment, where squirrels go when they die.
posted by Christopher at 1:25 PM
The number of unmatched socks in this sock drawer is: 0. Add your own sock.
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