35.365, 16/30 Swigging from Snake Oil

Since I started wearing this magnetic bracelet,
drinking the juice of exotic fruits,
and sleeping with crystals under my pillow
my rheumatism hasn't flared up once.
I am free from tennis elbow,
chronic halitosis,
and that not-so-fresh feeling.
Thanks to two little herbal pills,
an instant juicer,
and an at-home electro-shock therapy machine
those everyday aches and pains are a thing of the past.
I barely notice the side effects anymore.
These mood-enhancing light bulbs
and shiatsu foot massage socks
make the heart palpitations,
embarrassing verbal tics,
and the sudden, explosive incontinence
more bearable.
I order them from catalogs
and late-night TV
call the 800 numbers  from classified ads,
pay the exorbitant shipping and handling.
It's always worth it.
Every now and then
one of my miracle cures will get recalled.
The neighbors print out articles
calling my miracle cures a scam.
They haven't read the testimonials
from regular people like me.
Scientists may write nonsense
but real people don't lie.
Since I started wearing this weight loss belt
I can't feel my legs so well.
I called that 800 number, and
they told me that's just normal.
It doesn't feel so normal,
but the man on TV wore a lab coat.
They don't give those out to just anyone, you know.
They're the experts:
scientists or doctors or something.
They wouldn't sell it if it wasn't effective.
What kind of sucker would buy a weight loss belt
if it didn't work as it claimed?
This thing's going to work, I just know it.
I read the testimonials.
Testimonials don't lie.